JoChris

JoChris revised 3-12-07
Dear alien king, I have story to tell you. One day Jesse James and his gang were riding and they passed a house. Then they turned around and they went up to the house then Jesse asked the widow for some food. The widow said yes but she could not pay the landlord because her husband died. Now she does not have enough money. So Jesse James gave her $1,500 dollars. Then Jesse James stayed at the house and waited until the landlord got back. She paid the landlord. When the landlord left, Jesse James was hiding and he stole his money back from the landlord and she ran off on her horse named the Black Crane and. Then she said come on gang lets hit the road! Then her gang was following her.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ JoChris -- Dear alien king, we have story to tell you. One day Jesse James and his gang were riding and they passed a house. Then they turned around and they went up to the house then Jesse asked for some food. The widow said yes but she could not pay the landlord because her husband died. Now she does not have enough money. So Jesse James gave her $1,500 dollars. Then Jesse James stayed at the house and waited until the landlord got back. She paid the landlord. When the landlord left, Jesse James was hiding and he stole his money back from the landlord.
 * COMMENTS?

live4boys writes:** I heard a lot of of voice in the story.

I liked how you started the story of the person going some where.

I have a question,is this based on a book or did u have to do a piece of creative writing.

i was looking for a Little more describing words but it is still good.

You need to make it a longer and more exciting so the reading will stay focus on your story. Here i will give you a example.

Dear Alien king, I have to tell you is wonderful story i wrote. I need to see if a person your a thing from another planet likes my story. If you like it then i will be named the worlds best writer, anyway let me get back to my wonderful story. One gloomy Afternoon Jesse James and his mean gang were riding on there black bikes then they passed this one house. Jesse friend said my older brother said this house was haunted if u even hurt a piece of grass a thing will come out and haunt you tell you die! Of course Jesse James wasn't scared he said that i will go up to that house throw eggs at the door then run off and if i do that u have to give me 1,500 dollars. His friends said okay it is a deal. All his friends thought that he was a wimp. But the next day Jesse and his friends were at the house. Jesse was getting ready to throw a egg when Jesse James Moms car drove bye and his mom saw what he was doing and told him to get in the car and then Jesse went home embarrassed but he knew that if his mom didn't drive bye he would of got 1,500 dollars.

I used your story but made it a little longer and put a little more voice in it next time you write a story remember to write as much as you can and use voice! But good job on your story!

Dear Jochris, I heard that in your story Jesse asked to the window for food I think that is cool but I have a question how a window can do that. I have a question about your story how Jeese had $1,500 dolars.I really liked your story. Javier CMS Santo domingo Dominican Repoblic ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ From Jochris 4/13/07 oh! Javier! I didnt mean window I meant widow. Do you know what a widow is? If you dont know what a widow is I can tell you! A widow is a women whos husband died. So Jessie was talking to a widow not a window. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++