Raven

The Gun Shot
A loud gun shot // boomed // in the middle of the woods when a criminal named Jonas fired his gun and then he immediately put the shot gun away. It was summer and Jake and Matt were playing tag when they heard the shot gun. Jake said "That was ** scary **." They went deep, deep, deep in the woods of Missouri and it was very, very cold in the woods. Matt and Jake went into the woods because they wanted to see what was happening. Jake was so frightened he happened to wet his pants. Then Jake and Matt heard it // again //!!!

Then Jake and Matt saw a criminal named Jonas. Jake said. "Jonas looks // UGLY //, because he has // 3 moles // // with // // hairs on it //!!!!" Then the criminal saw Jake and Matt and he caught Matt!!!!!!!! // Then Matt almost got eaten by // // the criminals dog Stone Fox //. Then an Indian came and his name was Little Eagle!! Little Eagle said "Who are you?" Jake said " My name is Jake." ''Can you help me. " said Jake. " What you need?" said Little Eagle. Jake said. "My friend Matt is about to be eaten. " Little Eagle said "O.k. but I have to do an important job but I will help you in a minute."

Then Jake saw Little Eagle came back and he had a // knife in his hands //!!!!!! He was running at Jonas and he poked Jonas and Jonas was ** bleeding ** !!! He almost shot Little Eagle!!!! Little Eagle scratched Jonas and Jonas was bleeding!! He ran away. Then Jake hit Stone Fox because Stone Fox was about to eat Matt !!! Then Stone Fox ran away because Jake hit Stone Fox. Jake, Matt, and Little Eagle ran to there house then Little Eagle went to a cave and he went back to his homeland!!!

Matt's mom called them and said "It is time to eat."

A loud gun shot //boomed// in the middle of the woods when Jonas fired his gun and then he immediately put the shot gun away. It was summer and Jake and Matt were playing tag when they heard the shot gun. Jake said "That was **scary**." They were deep, deep, deep in the woods of Missouri and it was very, very cold in the woods. Matt and Jake went into the woods because they wanted to see what was happening. Jake was so frietened he happened to wet his pants. Jake and Matt heard it again!!!
 * First draft -**

Then Jake and Matt saw a criminal named Jonas. Jake said. "Jonas looks UGLY, because he has 3 moles with hairs on it!!!!" Then the criminal saw Jake and Matt and he caught Matt!!!!!!!! Then Matt almost got eaten by the criminals dog Stone Fox. Then an Indian came and his name was Little Eagle!! Little Eagle said "Who are you?" Jake said " My name is Jake." ''Can you help me." said Jake. " What you need?" said Little Eagle. Jake said. "My friend Matt is about to be eaten. " Little Eagle said"O.k. but I have to do an important job but I will help you in a minute."

Then Jake saw Little Eagle came back and he had a knife in his hands!!!!!! He was running at Jonas and he pocked Jonas and Jonas was bleeding!!! He almost shot Little Eagle!!!! Little Eagle scratched Jonas and Jonas was bleeding!! He ran away. Then Jake hit Stone Fox because Stone Fox was about to eat Matt !!! Then Stone Fox ran away. Jake, Matt, and Little Eagle ran to there house then Little Eagle went to a cave and he went back to his home land!!! Then a bear came to Jakes house.

Jake said "Yeah because it is hot" Matt's mom called them and said"It is time to eat."

Hi,Raven I am Grace.I just love your story and it made a picture in amy mind.I also love the adjectives in your story.I was just woundering in the, first paragraph,first sentences why does it say Jonas immediately put the shot g.The story made me read on.I can not wait untilyou write another story Raven.I think you neeed to write more.Have a look at your spelling and do not use so much explanation marks.